a good feeling

So I am in my own apartment, my kids are asleep, my house is quiet, I am warm in my jammies listening to some beautiful piano music thanks to http://www.pandora.com and the joys of high speed internet and dispite the fact that things have been going wrong right and left in my life I am content right now. It is a good feeling to feel especialy durring the hectic time that is holiday season. I am nearly content enough to start writing again which will be a good thing as I have not wrote a thing since Septemeber and it is now nearly January.

I know some of you have read this already but this for those of you who read this that just Don't have it *laughs*

I am haveing a pissy day or maybe week or month even I am SO DONE with living here luckily all my stuff is home so I can go home after Christmas but honestly if it weren't for the fact that my grandparents are going to be here I'd just go home now. I am over being a doormat for everyone to place the blame on. "Oh it is her fault" Or "it is just to many kids" or any other number of things I have heard lately. Last I checked I did not sign up for maid detail and the fact that I have cleaned this ENTIRE house from top to bottom today really pisses me off because WE were supposed to do it but WE turned into da da da da ME grr ok i am going to go kill something on a video game or maybe read to get un pissed i don't mean to rant i just had to let off some steam

I'm Tired

I'm Tired of being walked on, taken advantage of and in general being the person that no one remembers. I remember as a kid I was exurberant to the point of annoying, as I grew up I got quieter almost as if when I was born God said "here this is all the exuberance you will ever need" and I got bigger my supply starting wearing out and now here I am 25 I can talk to someone in the morning and by the afternoon I have faded from their mind. I watch my older sister and sometimes wonder why I can't be like her. Confidant in my life and where my path is takeing me. Even with my husband he tells me that I need to stop worrying about what people think and just DO what it is I want to do. In my life I am surrounded by strong women with strong sences of self purpose, my sister, sister in law ( all of them) even my best friends are all like that which makes me wonder why on earth I am not. I suppose we coudl argue you are how you see your self and in my case I suppose that is true I just want to know WHEN did I start seeing myself as the mouse instead of the lion?

On being a "young" mom

I am 25 and have 3 Children rangeing from 4 years old to nearly 1 year old and this puts me into the classification of "young mom" I truely was born in the wrong era. For me I had my children at the right time for me. I go to mommy groups for moms of kids my children's ages and I am by far the youngest there because it has become a trend to "wait to have kids" now there is nothing wrong with have kids when you are older than I was but PLEASE don't treat me like I was nuts for having my family when I did. Here is a few benefits of being a "young" mom, I have a picture of my myself, mom, grandma, and great grandma. I will have a picture by the end of this month of My daughter, myself, mom, and grandma. And depending on how long I live and when my daughter has a daughter I may get to be in anohter 4 gen picture and that is pretty frikin awesome. here is another when all 3 of my kids are 20 I will only be 45 and quite able to enjoy my life with my husband and when and if my kids reproduce I can be a "Cool gramma" *laughs* Now I know there are things I may have "missed out on" by haveing kids so young like haveing a solid Career before kids, or traveling, or having time with DH without kids but you know what I love being a "young mom" as much as I don't like the title. But I guess young mom is better than old mom (which I never hear people use that phrase go figure)
I hope I didn't offend anyone in my rant by the way I just got back from a play date and I swear the other mom's treated me like one of the kids because they all had 10 years on me

All you need is love.

So looking at my last post (If you haven't read it READ it before moving foreward in this one) And after talking it out a bit with some one who is a "real friend" I will say one I was a bit hasty in saying I wanted to cancel my internet I am far to addicted to my RPG travian to do that ha ha but that gives an idea as to how I felt/feel I am not totaly "over" what has happened and I think somethings got blown out of porpotion but I am not going to let all this DRAMA (god i hated it in HS and i hate it now) ruin 3 year worth of friendships I may not go there 20 thousand times a day like I have in the past but I am not walking away either, most there have me on Facebook myspace and blogger anyways so I could run but unless I went out of my way to do it I couldn't hide and I know my friends would find me. On that note I want to thank the one who I talked to via email about this crap and yeah I hope we can all move past this and move foreward in our friendships. I think we all need to take a deep breath and read the into on my main page about how this blog got it's name.

I just wanna be mad for a while...

I feel hurt and lost, and I don't care who reads this at this point many of who may acctually read this know why I am hurt and lost and I am about to the point of not knowing who my friends are calling it quits and living entirely in the "real world" canceling my internet and calling it a f'ing day... It takes a lot for me to say this because these people have been my close friends for 3 years I have watched their babies grow and they have watched mine, but who do you trust when stuff has happened and has fractured that delicate thig called trust. I should be posting this where I KNOW they all will see it but this is my haven and I want to put this here, where others can read it as well who knows if anyoneeven will read it. and who know maybe this is just my shitty self esteem or lack there of talking... I am mad that any of this happened and made me question who my friends are. simply put that is it. I don't know if anything will be the same again. I know I was left out of somethings, and included in others and here I sit wondering if it is time for me to concentrate on my "real life"... even though at times THIS felt more like "real life" than anything else...