a good feeling

So I am in my own apartment, my kids are asleep, my house is quiet, I am warm in my jammies listening to some beautiful piano music thanks to http://www.pandora.com and the joys of high speed internet and dispite the fact that things have been going wrong right and left in my life I am content right now. It is a good feeling to feel especialy durring the hectic time that is holiday season. I am nearly content enough to start writing again which will be a good thing as I have not wrote a thing since Septemeber and it is now nearly January.

I know some of you have read this already but this for those of you who read this that just Don't have it *laughs*

I am haveing a pissy day or maybe week or month even I am SO DONE with living here luckily all my stuff is home so I can go home after Christmas but honestly if it weren't for the fact that my grandparents are going to be here I'd just go home now. I am over being a doormat for everyone to place the blame on. "Oh it is her fault" Or "it is just to many kids" or any other number of things I have heard lately. Last I checked I did not sign up for maid detail and the fact that I have cleaned this ENTIRE house from top to bottom today really pisses me off because WE were supposed to do it but WE turned into da da da da ME grr ok i am going to go kill something on a video game or maybe read to get un pissed i don't mean to rant i just had to let off some steam

I'm Tired

I'm Tired of being walked on, taken advantage of and in general being the person that no one remembers. I remember as a kid I was exurberant to the point of annoying, as I grew up I got quieter almost as if when I was born God said "here this is all the exuberance you will ever need" and I got bigger my supply starting wearing out and now here I am 25 I can talk to someone in the morning and by the afternoon I have faded from their mind. I watch my older sister and sometimes wonder why I can't be like her. Confidant in my life and where my path is takeing me. Even with my husband he tells me that I need to stop worrying about what people think and just DO what it is I want to do. In my life I am surrounded by strong women with strong sences of self purpose, my sister, sister in law ( all of them) even my best friends are all like that which makes me wonder why on earth I am not. I suppose we coudl argue you are how you see your self and in my case I suppose that is true I just want to know WHEN did I start seeing myself as the mouse instead of the lion?

On being a "young" mom

I am 25 and have 3 Children rangeing from 4 years old to nearly 1 year old and this puts me into the classification of "young mom" I truely was born in the wrong era. For me I had my children at the right time for me. I go to mommy groups for moms of kids my children's ages and I am by far the youngest there because it has become a trend to "wait to have kids" now there is nothing wrong with have kids when you are older than I was but PLEASE don't treat me like I was nuts for having my family when I did. Here is a few benefits of being a "young" mom, I have a picture of my myself, mom, grandma, and great grandma. I will have a picture by the end of this month of My daughter, myself, mom, and grandma. And depending on how long I live and when my daughter has a daughter I may get to be in anohter 4 gen picture and that is pretty frikin awesome. here is another when all 3 of my kids are 20 I will only be 45 and quite able to enjoy my life with my husband and when and if my kids reproduce I can be a "Cool gramma" *laughs* Now I know there are things I may have "missed out on" by haveing kids so young like haveing a solid Career before kids, or traveling, or having time with DH without kids but you know what I love being a "young mom" as much as I don't like the title. But I guess young mom is better than old mom (which I never hear people use that phrase go figure)
I hope I didn't offend anyone in my rant by the way I just got back from a play date and I swear the other mom's treated me like one of the kids because they all had 10 years on me

All you need is love.

So looking at my last post (If you haven't read it READ it before moving foreward in this one) And after talking it out a bit with some one who is a "real friend" I will say one I was a bit hasty in saying I wanted to cancel my internet I am far to addicted to my RPG travian to do that ha ha but that gives an idea as to how I felt/feel I am not totaly "over" what has happened and I think somethings got blown out of porpotion but I am not going to let all this DRAMA (god i hated it in HS and i hate it now) ruin 3 year worth of friendships I may not go there 20 thousand times a day like I have in the past but I am not walking away either, most there have me on Facebook myspace and blogger anyways so I could run but unless I went out of my way to do it I couldn't hide and I know my friends would find me. On that note I want to thank the one who I talked to via email about this crap and yeah I hope we can all move past this and move foreward in our friendships. I think we all need to take a deep breath and read the into on my main page about how this blog got it's name.

I just wanna be mad for a while...

I feel hurt and lost, and I don't care who reads this at this point many of who may acctually read this know why I am hurt and lost and I am about to the point of not knowing who my friends are calling it quits and living entirely in the "real world" canceling my internet and calling it a f'ing day... It takes a lot for me to say this because these people have been my close friends for 3 years I have watched their babies grow and they have watched mine, but who do you trust when stuff has happened and has fractured that delicate thig called trust. I should be posting this where I KNOW they all will see it but this is my haven and I want to put this here, where others can read it as well who knows if anyoneeven will read it. and who know maybe this is just my shitty self esteem or lack there of talking... I am mad that any of this happened and made me question who my friends are. simply put that is it. I don't know if anything will be the same again. I know I was left out of somethings, and included in others and here I sit wondering if it is time for me to concentrate on my "real life"... even though at times THIS felt more like "real life" than anything else...

a update

Sorry it's been so long, as I think you know I am back in my "home town" I am not sure for how long it was supposed to be a year but the longer I stay here the more I feel like I have adopted a pair of teenagers and that I don't like esp since said teenagers are technicly adults and should be able to function without a momtype figure around. So my going back to Vegas I think will happen soon as we can get a three bedroom apt again.
onto other news we had an apt to see about the princess legs and it is too early to tell if her feet are so turned in that it won't correct itself. after she starts walking we will go back in for a re evaluation at worst she will need braces at night but she isn't even trying to stand yet so we got a while to go
L is a monster threw and threw he gets into EVERYTHING, he drowned my cell phone (luckily after it dried out it is fine) he has dumped all over his bed (not at the same time but with in the last month) and can of oatmeal, a box of bisquick, a can of hot coco and has ate a half jar of peanut butter. the thing is that I do watch him but he waits for me to go to the bathroom or for when i am sick and the teens are a little help but not a lot when it comes to watching him. theyd rather be in their room with the door shut doin who know (i don't wanna know) what.
as for Boo well he is a pain in the fact he is an accomplice with his brother on most of the above messes, but he is loving school he gets so excited when his bus comes it is funny, he knows all his abc's. can count to 20, knows all his colors and shapes to boot, I think except for his talking he could be ahead of the class when he starts kindergarten :)

rambleings of a grown up...

When did I get "old" or "grow up"? I don't mean old in the literal sense after all 25 isn't nearly as bad as I exepected but here I am once again in my Home town and in a town with only one walmart and 3 stop lights (the latest being added in this past year) it is nearly enevitable that once in a while one will run into people from ones past. When I married my ex I gladdly said goodbye to a lot of my high school/druggie friends when I left him I renewed a few friendships but not a lot when I married J I let a few more "friends" go simply because I didn't need or want the drama. Of the people I no longer associate with 90 % have as many if not more kids than I and this is the point of this post. While out and about today I "ran into" Reasa who used to be one of my best friends she has kids all about my kids ages give or take a few month last I had seen her was my wedding to my ex 6 years ago. She instantly reconized me and called out to me and what do I do? I stop and chat a bit, What I realize is that at 25 she still acts and dresses like she is 18. I don't. When I got preggers with boo I quit everything that is toxic for you (except caffine) But the cigs, the weed, the experimenting with dif drugs and many friends went bye bye because I had a new high, being a mom. Reasa however apperently stops doing stuff long enough to pop out a kid and resumes her toxic life (as has many of my old "friends") and here I am happily married, yet living away from my husband to help out my brother and someday sister in law, being responsible for running a house hold and just all sorts of "Adult" stuff all while Reasa is inviteing me to go out to a party and you know what. I am not even the slightest bit tempted, I don't want the old life, I have a better one. I am just irritated I don't know what People like Reasa mange to have kid after kid while some people I know who are genuine GOOD people can't manage to conceive, and when I say this I have to kick my self because if God only gave little angels to people who are good well I may still be going down that wrong path or in jail or worse...

i giorni- Ludovico Einaudi

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jMoVW-paT3w

Play this and just close your eyes let the music take you. It is so beautiful. I found it while searching a bit on my obcession (the twilight series) some one thought it would fit for Bella's Lullaby which it would but I am so happy I came upon this peice not for Bella's lullaby but because it is so Beautiful and relaxing and I just want to play it over and over again and I have descided that I am going to take lessons I want, no I NEED to learn to play piano I have always wanted to I am not entirely sure what has stopped me.

I love my jumper

Isn't she adorable. I got her the Jumperoo last night and she LOVES it best 20.00 I have spent (i think i said that about her walker too lol) she is getting so big though I can't believe it. She knows how to work all the dodads on that thing as well she is so smart :)

so preeety

Isn't she SO pretty we were just waiting for Boo's bus and she was playing in the grass and I managed to get this pretty picture and I HAD to share :)

The rocking chair

So we have had this toddler size rocking chair since my older sister was little it was her's, then my brother's, then mine, technicly my little brothers though I don't think he ever used it I recall useing it for my dolls when he was little, and now it is mine again for my kids the boys didn't use it too much they use another chair we have had for just as long but while doing the slides I mentioned earlier I found a pic of K and remembered I have a pic of H in the same chair. 35 years difference same chair :) nice little Heirloom huh?

not my memory lane

so a few months ago being the good daughter that I am I took on the task of converting my dad's slides to digital (mind you I have my own motives as well like makeing a video of all his kids growing up for him) But right now I am stuck in 1969 a good 14 years before I was even thought of a year before my older sister 4 years before my brother and are you ready for this 21 years before my younger brother, I am seeing pictures of my Aunts who passed away this past year when they were young, My daddy with lots of dark hair. My dad is laughing because every once in a while I will call and say ok whose car is that (look at the pictures you'll know what one I am talking about) or ask him who so in so is (normaly i am told it is my grandma or someone I know/knew only 19 or so years later) well back to memories that aren't mine :)

My Aunt Bev's Car Sweet isn't it My dad and my sisters mom, wasn't daddy good lookin'?
not the best pic but all i have on my computer my dad a few months ago in the red shirt Still good lookin' *S*

I hate it when I am right

I knew it. I knew that My birthday was nothing to look forward to... J forgot that my birthday was this weekend. And as much as I try to brush it off I am crushed. He realized today was my birthday when he looked at the calander figureing out his pay check for this week. I hadn't said anything Just went about my day hopeing maybe they were planning something...So no birthday dinner, birthday cake or anything it is just another day added onto my already mopey mood. I want to go back to bed and pretend today isn't happening.

I SHOULD be writeing

I really really really SHOULD be working on the Davian cronicles, I really should. N (my brothers girl friend)and I made so much progress discussing the direction the book was taking us. I have ideas for chapters and I guess the next step is outlineing what happens in the chapters. This book really feels right, I have never FELT my charecters as much as I feel Anna and Davian, and I have certinly never gotten this far. Every once in a while I get a little nudge of doubt I mean how many vampire novels can there be before people get bored with them, and I start to give up but I think of how much life I have given Anna and Davian and I just can't not finish their story, even if only my friends read it. I wish I paid more attention in english class maybe then I would have a better Idea on how to get to where I am going. I described what I have so far and what is in my head to some friends today as the skeleton of the book, just key points here and there that won't change, hopefully with N's help I will be able to flesh out the details in this and connect the details together in what I hope is more than 20 pages... I really need to get back to work...

My baby's baby

So I got the Princess a baby doll not expecting much right now since she is still a baby. I was wrong she loves her baby. Yesterday L desided he wanted the abby and took it from her and

she screamed at him. Not a cry telling me that he took it but a screech directed at him that can only be interpited as "GIVE ME MY BABY BACK NOW!!!!" it was so cute and even more funny was the fact tht he quickly gave her back the doll *laughs*

Goodwill SCORE!!!

So if you know me, you know I have a shopping problem, on the plus side I have learned to shop within my means therefore I am an avid goodwill shopper. Todays trip to goodwill turned out to be a very good one. I went with the intention on finding a Computer chair since I am at the moment sitting on the floor killing my neck by looking up at my screen, and to find a Shirt for Boo to be a pirate. Well no luck on the chair but my brother is bringing me one tomorrow so that is ok. I look through the costumes and I found it a perfect costume for boo it isn't just the shirt but it is pants, a belt, shoe covers to look like boots, and a hat SWEET! then I find a pirate set that has a bandana, a cutlass, and a pistol so awesome how could this day get better? Well I am checking out and I glance down at the display and I see a set of China very beautiful, and since we sold the China my ex gave me (too much akwardness there) I have had an empty China hutch, that has turned into a catch all. Well anyways I ask how much the set is and the lady told me $49.99 well I was sold so I took my treasures home and looked the pattern up on http://www.replacements.com Imperial China, Seville and from there I added up the stuff I bought, an odd assortment of things 13 dinner plates 10 bowls 7 cups stuff like that. well after adding everythign up JUST the stuff we already have our cart was up to $407.05! How freakin awesome is that? We are going to buy one peice a month until we have a complet settign of 14 plus serveing dishes (we are going to be mainly watching ebay) but I am so stoked! here are some pics

8 days

If I had a therapist I am sure they would tell me that I am makeing great progress. I am oddly sort of looking foreward to my birthday not too much but not really dreading it either. I hope that J and I do something this year instead of just watching it go past as ussual. I guess we will see huh.

7 years

So I have debated off an on all day on if I was going to post something today nothing really seems pop out at me if you will. I remember 9-11-01 clearly I was 10 days away from my 18th birthday, freshly graduated and ready to ship off to boot camp on the 22nd. I was being lazy take into account that I lived on the west coast so when the attack hit there it was only 5 somehing in the morning, that was when my phone began to ring, me being the typical teen that i am picked up the phone and then promptly hung it back up. whoever it was called back i hen turned off the phone. I slept until 9:30 (ah those were the days) when I was fully awake i turned my phone back on and within minutes it ws ringing again this time I answered my best friend at the time amanda was on the other end franticly telling me the world is ending and that i had to turn on the TV so I went out into the living room and watched as the second plane hit the tower I don't know if it was acctualy happening at that moment or if it was a rplay but I remember colapsing and saying "Oh shit" right in front of my mom who didn't seem to care for once that I had cursed... The rest o the day is a blur I spent most of it like many others in the nation trying to call friend that live in NYC I got ahold of all but one eventualy... It still hurts when I remember him and to this day I see an airplane I think of him (which is a lot lately since I live in the flight path here *laughs*) has it really been 7 years already?

Boo's first day of school

So Big heading off to school! I'm gonna blink and he is gonna be off to college I think...

Such a Goofy boy this is what I got when I asked for a smileL wanted to go with his brother on the bus.
and cried for 15 min and stared out the window waiting for Boo to get home

So yesterday was Boos first day of Preschool this year and he was super excited His brother not so much when the Bus picked Boo up L thought he was goign too and threw a fit that he wasn't going. It wasn't like this last year... the poor kids cried for 15 min in absolute hysterics and then sat by the slideing glass door "reading" his curious George book waiting for Boo he'd sometime get up and mope around the apt but mostly just waited for Boo when Boo got home it was such a sweet reunion they were figting within the hour *laughs* Boo had a great first day and thinks he teacher is "So cool" today wasn't any easier than yesterday for L he has just stopped crying and is thankfully distracted by monsters inc.

Don't Blink

the Princess one week old so itty stinkin bitty (and we marveled at her hair then!)the princess today such a big girl

Check out them piggie tails!
Such a camera girl
I know you are probaly tired of hearing how big my girl is getting but bear with me. She is my last, and where I do not regret for a secnd having my tubes tied, when my friend Jenn told me of her pregnancy I did get a little twinge of Jealousy. nothing major sice I am not a good pregnant lady and 3 kids are more than enough for me but yeah it was still there. every time I blink my kids are getting bigger and I swear the girl child is learning new stuf each day she is soooo curious! just look how much she changed in just 7 months! See what I mean about blinking. that is a dagerous thing to do, and on the note here is a link to my song of the day. Don't Blink

MINE!

this is what greets me at every meal time she

practily snatches the bottle and begins gulping while having a death grip on the darn thing!

Pirates and tiggers

So L got his Halloween costume yesterday. He is Tigger this year well I wanted to make sure it fit him so i put him in it last night and it is perfect never have I seen a cuter Tigger. When I went to take it off him he threw a fit so he ended up sleeping in it, and is still in it. Boo was like this with his superman Costume. As for Boo all year he has said he wanted to be Super Why until the last month he picked up on my love for all things Pirate and while watching POTC 1,2, and 3 he grabed his sword and said "ARG I'm a pirate" he then wanted a hat like Wills in #3 the only thing I had was a Louis Vittion scarf but it works *Laughs* we will find a better one for Halloween though.

Teeth and sleep crawling

my life as I know it is over. the Princess has her first tooth (well it has broken the gums) AND she has mastered crawling. In her sleep. Yup not a typo. She sleep crawls. *laughs* she won't while she is awake but in her crib durring her nap she motors it is funny I am going to have to video that. Has anyone else heard of sleep crawling? I think that is the most bizarr thing any of my monsters has done. (keep in mind Boo is in a pirate phase and is wearing a Louis vuitton silk scarf on his head as a pirate bandana at them moment and Landon won't take off his tigger halloween coustume :P)

Just a few pics of the monsters

The Princess was just being so cute waving. She is getting so big. Can you beleive in a couple week she will be 8 months!
Have you ever seen this boy so serious? This look was a combo of being terrified of the rocker he was on and watching the Airplane fly past
My silly Boo playing on the dino watching his brother.

Amber

Well that time of year is approaching again, my birthday. I have to admit that for the first time in 10 years I am not blatantly avoiding the thought of that day. (which is odd considering I turn 25 this year and I have teased numerous friends about being a quarter century old) I have not viewed my birthday as a reason to celebrate, not because I dread getting older, that is defiantly not the case I have lived every year of my life thus earned the number. No the reason is simply my 15 birthday was marked by a personal tragedy, my best friend, cousin, confidant, and easily the nicest person I ever knew died of heart failure. J and I have not been the same since, back then J and Amber had been dating for a little over 18 months which in High school time is forever. We have not mentioned that this year makes ten years but I can tell he still hurts as much if not more than I do. It honestly does not seem like 10 years have passed partly because for 2 years I was sunk into a deep depression wearing a plastic smile and telling everyone I am fine (kind of like Orlando Bloom in Elizabethtown) then for another year I was so stoned that I don't remember most of what happened that year and then came motherhood *laughs* I sometimes have to wonder if she watches J and I and if I am doing good in her book? I don't handle death well, I don't know anyone that particularly does though J handles things better than me or maybe it is just different than me... Since Amber died J is sort of numb about people dieing, while I just don't "get over it" but as they say oppisites attract, And me being a firm believer in "all things happen for a reason" sometimes think that J and I were meant to be together. If Amber and J had broken up, instead of what happened then I would not have dated him in High School, therefore would not have made him mad to the point of not talking to me for 2 years when I tried joining the Army (speaking of my recruiter is my neighbor now *laughs* and I wouldn't have had to find him on classmates asking him to forgive my stupidness, and would not have reconected and so on and so forth and then I would have only one of my wonderful monsters. Anyways I know I am rambeling so I am off to bed.
-Night

My friends and me

so on ZZZ we have weekly photos this weeks is "Kids with favorite "friend" ...stuffy, toy or pet?Trying to get these monsters with their friends was amuseing here are a few shots of the "photoshoot" Both with their Shrek's and boo with Gus Gus and L with Jaques (yes they got their names from the mice on Cinderella they named the bears not me) Oh and L has Cookie as well

A time to cheat

So many of my friends and family (the Hubby included) can kill me for this post but I cheated on my "diet" I am not so much trying to loose weight as I am trying to comfortably fit into my half a closet full of size 8 clothes I am nearly there so I desided to reward myself with a trip to starbucks :) Oh sweet heavenly starbuck how I love thee *laughs* Venti mint mocha chip frap *Swoons in delight* after a month of behaving, very little soda (which I adore) No ice cream until last night's small peice of BIL's ice cream birthday cake, and no pizza (also which I love) I think this treat is well earned. and BTW I can FIT into size 8's I just can't breathe. Minor things right?

Team Ramrod

Disclaimer: Unless you have seen supertroopers there will be no humor in this post for you

So today is moving day. I have not mentioned the name of my new street. Ramrod ave. J thinks it is hillarious! TEAM RAMROD!! Supertroopers has to be one of his favorite movies. I tolerate it with a smile plastered on my face counting up the times I have watched it and knowing at one point he will pay up and he will have to sit through a movie like PS I love you or something. *laughs* I will be watching supertroopers before the week is out J says that it is only right to chrisin the new apt with that movie... Yay...

Dance with me

Boo cracks me up. He is his cousin's shadow. He would follow her to the ends of the earth, and bless her heart she doesn't mind at all not to bad for a 12 year old huh? anyhow we were at my SIL's house and Boo runs up to her when we put some country music on and said "Dance with me!" it was to precious. :)

Cold Milk

A quirk of mine, I hate milk UNLESS it is COLD to the point of nearly being ice, and in a COLD GLASS cup, I can't stand it if it is in a plastic cup it makes me gag. The story behind the picture. Well as you know I am moving in two days, and silly me I packed all my glasses all we ahve are disposeable plastic cups and wine glasses that i have not packed yet sooo here I am drinking chocolate milk out of a wine glass and trying not to laugh.

Moving sucks

*Sung to the mickey mouse club theme*

M-O-V-I-N-G S-U-C-K-S

moving sucks, moving sucks. Forever and ever will I cry!

M-O-V-I-N-G S-U-C-K-S

I hate moving. Period. I am excited about the new place because it is 3 rooms, has a washer and a dryer, has a double sink, is in Henderson, and is closer to family. BUT I hate the packing, and unpacking, and trying to wrangle three kids, and keep said kids occupied even though they have nowhere to run their energy out because the living room is full of BOXES! GAHHH! I have heard of people that acctually LIKE moving, and you would think with me being a Military Brat that I wouldn't mind it as much as I do but yeah... I think I am going to go scream some more. (not that that will get anything else packed but it sure feels good *Laughs*)

crazy hair

This is After I brushed her hair out! I have to put it up in piggie tails or a pony tail or it is just mayhem and she looks like albert einsteins long lost grand daughter or soemthing *laughs* the plus side is she lives up to her nick name "Miss priss" Because she LOVES me combing her hair and doesn't squiggle to much when I am pulling it up into piggie tails (Just cause they are cuter than pony tails) how long will my luck last on her being as good as she is? I wonder....

self portraits

So I have after 4 years of momminess determined the only way to get mommy in the picture is to do self potraits sometimes they are good and others not so much *laughs* Here are a few of the better ones we have done

My girl

What a goof ball :) the stinker is already poseing for the camera but I guess after 7 months of having dozen of photos snapped each day one learns what to do *laughs* 7 months can you believe it? It seems like just yesterday that I had her. And now I have this full

fledged princess who is just to cute for words. How did I get so lucky all three of my kids are absolutely stinkin' cute and so goofy. I can be mad at them for driving me nutzo but in ten min or less one of them will do something that cracks me up. the next 18 or so years of my life are going to be interesting that is for sure :)