melencoly

I am feeling out of sorts today sort of melencoly to be honest. Why? Because I am missing him. Him who? Him being the guy in those pictures, He was my best friend, the only one who no matter how "wrong" I went in my life never left my side. Mind you he was generaly going "wrong" right along side me since we were "Bonnie and Clyde". I don't mean to belittle J's and my relationship because J has always been my true love, but when I choose to get into parties and drugs and what not J left my side, understandably he wanted nothing to do with that because he was raised around it and knew it was poison. But me naw I had to do it all, and do it all I did with my best bud, Wayne. We had dated a few times but other than some intense moments we were just buddy buddy. When I found out I was preggers with Boo, Wayne was the one that talked me through everything, all my tears, all my worry, and he got me to quit smokeing. (I had already stopped the drugs and drinking the moment i found out) Where he never went the straight and narrow he also never turned his back on me. For us nothing else mattered, we would be friends until the end. But wouldn't you know it, the end is sometimes closer than you think. When I moved away from p-town and to Vegas Wayne started dateing an old friend, my cousin.
It honestly looked like she was going to be his saveing grace they both got clean and concentrated on raiseing her three kids and for a while all was good but then they started backslideing and got back into drugs, and into trouble. Life goes on, he gets clean again and she does not. He tells her that she needs to get clean or he is gone and she tells him to "Fuck off". Now she has been the love of his life, he wanted to be with her even when we were all kids. So her telling him that ripped at his soul and two days later he was dead from an over dose. *Sighs* the real Bitch about all this is I can't cry over him, I swore I'd never cry over someone who commits

suicide. So here I am fliping through old photographs and a song pops in my head
"Every memory of looking out the front door, I found the photo of the friend I was looking for, It's hard to say it, it's time to say it, good bye, good bye."
and I want to cry because it hurts so bad that he is no longer here, and it hurts that in the two years he has been gone I still haven't cried and I can't, I try. I tell myself this is the one exception to the rule and that it is ok to cry just this once for a bit of closure but it never happens, and so here I sit looking at all these memories and I smile. The top picture was out side Mountian view in P-town before it burned to the ground we are sitting on my old hoopdie car tons of memories with that car *laughs* and the second one that was taken in p-town at the Harvest Festivle, I had just moved back to town and I had not told him I was coming back and when he saw me, he bolted across the fairground picked me up and swung me around so fast I felt like I was on one of the rides, but I knew I was home. and the last one, He was telling me how hot I was just playin' with me and I told him that he better not take a picture, at that he raise his camera and I raised my finger *laughs* there are so many more as well but those will work for now.